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How to Ask for What You Want in Bed — Without Hurting Feelings


Having a healthy sex life is an important part of our overall health and getting that perfect balance with your partner is an important aspect of a well-rounded relationship. While feeling out of sync some of the time is a normal part of a long-term relationship, if you’ve been feeling like the fun has been lacking between the sheets more often than not – it’s probably time to speak up and say what you really want from your partner in bed.

It’s easy enough to criticize our partner when they’ve forgotten to pick the towels off the floor again and voice how we’d like that to be different – when it comes to our partner’s performance in the bedroom, it’s not always as simple to speak up. A 2007 survey done by TODAY Show and Men’s Health revealed that your feelings of dissatisfaction in the bedroom is not something unique to your relationship. In this survey, over 5,000 participants, both men and women, were asked personal questions about their sex lives. The results revealed that approximately one in five women rated their partner’s sexual sills as “average” or worse, yet 25 percent of those women had never given their partner any suggestions on how to improve in the bedroom. It’s not surprising to read that the survey found the main reason for not speaking up, no matter how much they wished to spice things up, was being afraid to hurt their partner’s feelings.

Good news: there are ways to get everything you want in the bedroom and you don’t have to destroy your partner’s feelings and ego to get it. With these 4 tips, you’ll be closer to getting all that you want in the bedroom and no one will have their feelings hurt in the process.

1. Show – don’t say.

You know the saying “actions speak louder than words”? Well, applying that same theory in this situation can help you get more what you want without really having to put it in words. Rent an R-rated adult movie and watch it together – sometimes just seeing new things and the reaction those new things get on-screen can ignite that “try it out” spark into your partner’s mind. If a movie isn’t your thing, pick up a copy of the latest erotic romance novel and read together before bed and see if anything piques either of your interest. Talk about it and discuss what you’re seeing or reading – you may find you both have an increased interest in sex and improving and a willingness trying new things.

2. Use praise, not criticism

It’s completely possible to get what you want in the bedroom – or any area of life by using positive feedback rather than focusing only the negative. If you want to get more out of your beau in the bedroom, start by pointing out what they’re doing right. If all you say to him is what he’s doing wrong or what he should be doing better, that’s a quick way to bruise his ego and going further with the conversation will be like talking to a wall. You can use gentle redirection if they’re pushing too hard here and not enough there when you’re in the middle of it all, but be sure to provide the good with the bad. Vocal feedback will tell him what he’s doing right and that feedback will help him focus his energy where you like it most.

3. Just say it

You can’t expect anything to change or get better if your other half is clueless there’s something wrong in the first place. While the popular phrase “a time and a place” applies here (you don’t want to be asking for more in bed while they’re angry with you for forgetting to pick up the milk on the way home), sharing what you’ve always wanted to try will at least clue them into what you’re thinking. Be sure to phrase your desire in a positive light, not as though they’ve been doing it wrong all this time and you’ll be less likely to hurt feelings. You can’t expect your partner to read your mind and as much as you may fear hurting their feelings, you won’t ever be completely happy if you’re selling yourself, and your sex life, short out of fear of feelings. Discuss with good intentions and a gentle heart and you will both be happy with the results.

4. Ask about their needs

If you’re looking for a way to bring up the conversation about getting what you need, ask if there’s anything they’ve always wanted, but aren’t getting. Chances are, if you’re not satisfied with some area in the bedroom, your partner may have a small list of grievances as well. Be open to hearing what you could be doing more of or better and they’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say back. If it’s a real and honest discussion where both of you want to do better – there will be no bruised egos here, just, hopefully, a broken bed frame.

Photo credit: adapted from Jessie Pearl | Flickr

Do you have trouble asking for what you want in the bedroom or are you cool with speaking up?

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Devan McGuinness

Devan McGuinness is Editor-In-Chief of the lifestyle website byDevan . Gluten-free, vegan eater, and home-schooling mother to 4, Devan believes you can have all the finer things in life -- even when you don't have a lot of time.

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